Unemployed.

That's what I am:  unemployed, as of Christmas Eve.  I am officially a stay-at-home mother.

It was never my intention to stay home with Rowan full-time. I had every expectation that I would be returning to work at Imago Dei after the first of the year. I was looking forward to it! I love what I do and I believe wholeheartedly that I have been called into vocational work in the church. But after spending a lot of time crunching numbers, praying, and talking, Erik and I came to the conclusion that paying for full-time infant childcare is just too expensive. It would make sense if I were to see a significant financial benefit out of going back to work, but a year's worth of childcare would almost equal my yearly salary. And frankly, I'm not willing to leave my kid in childcare for no extra cash at the end. At this point, I would be paying for someone to watch my kid while I went to work strictly to stay engaged and stimulated intellectually. Both of which are very important, but not important enough to put Rowan second behind my own personal needs.

So, my occupation is now Mommy to Rowan. That's it. A part of me is joyful about it, but a huge part of me feels defeated. I know that I could work and be a mom. I could probably pull it off better than most, given my personality, work ethic and drive. But, I just don't get paid enough. My job has never been about the money (note to those thinking about going into ministry: if it's about the money, forget about it!), if it was, I never would have taken the job in the first place. But I hate that money is the wall being built between me & my occupational calling. Ugh. It's always about the money, isn't it?

Now we're relying only on Erik's income. It's scary, and we'll have to make adjustments. We're getting rid of cable (which I'm actually really excited about), we're hunting for a roommate (know of anyone cool?), and our budget is tighter than it's ever been. We're being forced to simplify our lives quite a bit. No more random shopping trips to Target. No more buying brand-name everything at the grocery store. No more impulse stops at Chipotle. Every dollar counts now, and we have to make each dollar go pretty far. I know that for some people, you're thinking "Yeah, so what? Big deal. We've been doing that for a long time!" But, I have to admit that money hasn't been that big of a deal to Erik and I for quite some time. We have been blessed with a comfortable lifestyle and two decent-paying jobs that allow us to own our own home, enjoy HD cable with HBO, have dinners out, make random purchases and stay out of debt. Not to mention that I come from a well-off family and money has never been a problem for as long as I can remember. I would actually argue that I was a "silver spoon" kid in a lot of ways. So, this adjustment is going to be a little stressful for me. Nothing that we can't get through together, but it will be different, for sure.

As tough as things might get, I am also really excited. Being a stay-at-home mom was something that I never expected to do, nor did I ever think I could do. So in a lot of ways, it's a new adventure for me. I'm trying to see it that way, anyway. I am trying to take joy in the fact that I get to spend every day with my little boy. I get to watch every little development, every change in his face, every new step forward. I won't miss a thing, because I'll be with him every day. What greater blessing for a woman than being able to spend your days with the baby you carried, nurtured and birthed?

Anyway, that's where we are now. I'm tentatively dipping my toes into my new role. I'm a little worried. I'm afraid I'll be bored, that I'll lose my identity & allow it to be wrapped up completely in my kid. So, I'm looking for different ways to be engaged. I'm hoping to jump into ministry in ways that I haven't been able to previously because I was working. I'm hoping to mentor some college girls who need advice every once and a while. I'm hoping to grab coffee with my friends who are also new moms. I'm hoping to spend time on my writing. I'm hoping to read and learn a lot. I'm hoping to spend time with some quality women, learning about God & His Kingdom. And more than anything, I'm hoping that I'll learn how to be a better mother to Rowan. If you've got some fun things going on or creative ideas for me to stay busy, let me know! I'm ready to jump in.

In the meantime, I'll be here... snuggling with my boy, getting romanced by my man, and thanking God for the beautiful, thick coat of snow on the ground. Here's to being unemployed!